Actors worry about stuff like who gets the most laughs, who has the best lines, or even who has the most lines. In scripted shows, that can lead to power struggles in shaping scenes before an audience ever sees it. But in improv, when there is no script, when nothing is prepared in advance, then those decisions or even those power struggles can get played out in real time right there in front of the audience. One actor opens with “My eyeballs are melting!”. That’s a totally weird, off the wall way of starting a scene. The other actor has a choice. He or she can respond in such a way that leaves that actor hanging out to dry, offering no help at all. Or it could be “Oh no Mr. Jones! We set the laser too high for your Lasik!”. And now the scene is off and running. One improv expert spoke of making your partner look good in this way: focus on your partner rather than the chatter in your head.
In marriage, is there any better principle than that? “Focus on your partner rather than the chatter in your head.” In marriage there are two audiences. The first audience is everyone not in the marriage. All the world really is a stage. It’s your family, immediate and beyond. Its your neighbors. It’s the people at work. The people with whom you ride the subway. It. Is. Everyone. And the principle of making your partner look good is in force in every one of those settings. That means doing all that can be done to be supportive. If your spouse does or says something stupid, it means so far as possible not leaving them to hang out to dry in their own stupidity. It certainly means not highlighting the stupidity. Maybe there is a conversation about it later in private. But not right then. Sometimes when your spouse is factually wrong in front of others, you must correct him or her in the moment because of the problems it would create if you didn’t. “No dear they turn right to get to our house.” Or “No honey, you cut the blue wire to disarm the nuclear weapon.” But in front of others, correcting your spouse simply for the sake of correcting them is the very opposite of making your partner look good. Nor do you air your spouse’s past or present failings or deficiencies. Same goes for put downs and jokes at your spouse’s expense. Others may do it. Your spouse may even do it about him or her self. But you don’t. Because you are focused on your partner. And what your partner wants more than anything else is to look good to others. And as the spouse, more than anyone else in the world, you hold in your hands the power to either make that a reality or break the tender heart of that person you love more than anyone else.
That’s true because you are the second audience. You. YOU! And to your spouse, you are the audience that matters the very, very most. I heard a statistic years ago that it takes seven positive comments from a spouse to overcome one negative comment. I have no idea where that statistic came from. We all know that Abraham Lincoln has been quoted as saying three out of eight statistics read on the internet are totally made up. But there is a deep truth in that one. Negative comments can cling like barnacles on a ship. For most of us, negative, unkind, insulting comments from our spouse have the power to stick with us and corrode a relationship we once held dear.
I’ve long been fascinated by the word “belittle” in this context. Married couples are peculiarly positioned to belittle one another. When someone is belittled, it’s normally, as the name suggests, about little things. Things so little that they hardly seem to matter. If I’ve learned anything in life, the little things are big things. I once gave water to some firefighters battling a blaze not far from my house. Many years later I went back to that town and saw one of those firefighters. He reminded me of the time I brought him and his buddies some water and talked about how much that meant to him. The little things are the big things. That is absolutely true in marriage.
In the marriage context, a belittling comment from one spouse to another has the effect of causing that partner to “be little”. And NO married person wants to feel that way because of what their spouse has said. Certainly, at times couples must have hard conversations in which they honestly talk about how they see one another and how the marriage is going. But that’s not what I’m talking about.
Married couples know everything about each other. Married couples know each other’s weak points. Married couples know each other’s vulnerabilities. And with that knowledge comes great power. If Spiderman taught us anything, it’s that with great power comes great responsibility. The calling of being married is the responsibility to use that power to build up, to affirm, to make sure your partner is absolutely certain he or she looks good in front of the most important audience in the world: you.
One more thought: I have read and reread what I have written here. I found myself asking if I am overstating things a bit here. I mean we’re all adults here, right? How needy and fragile are we that our partners must be so careful around us so as not to damage our little egos? I thought about softening it up a bit but I decided against it. In part, because it’s so well written and every word is “Gold! Jerry, Gold!”. However, I do understand how a couple relates to one another is highly contextual. What I’ve said may be right on target for some and not as much for others. But I’m sticking with what I have said. If a couple is going to make a mistake in any direction, I’m pretty sure it ought to be in the direction of doing all you can to make your partner look good.
Improvising Conversation
- How important is it to you that your spouse be careful about the kinds of things they say about you?
- What ways if any does your spouse belittle you?
- What kinds of things might you want to hear your spouse say to you and about you in this regard?
- What kinds of things might they say that really bothers you that you would prefer they didn’t?
Next Principle: Carefully listen