What actors in improv look for, hope for, dream of, in improvisational comedy is “the moment”. When it all clicks. The actors connect with each other, the audience connects with the actors, the audience simultaneously “gets it” and they connect with each other as people do when they realize they are a part of a special moment. In scripted shows it happens when a script is well written and the actors do their jobs well. As a pastor, when I was writing sermons there would be a point in its creation when in my mind I could hear the music. That is “the moment” when everything that has been said up to that point builds to. Of course, the best moments were the ones that happened not from careful planning but when God would show up in unexpected ways, and we would have the good sense to just not get in the way.
Creating moments with a script in advance is one thing But making it happen in improv is a whole ‘nother thing. It means that every actor on the stage has to work together and do what they do really well to make it happen. In improv comedy those moments are marked by show stopping waves of laughter that causes all the action on the stage to die down for a few blessed seconds. By their nature, such moments are fleeting and precious and fragile. Such moments are a gift. And the way such moments can happen is when improv actors are willing to let go of preconceived notions about what is coming next and simply allow themselves to be in the moment.
Marriage is also about moments. That’s why folks get married isn’t it? Because you found this other person with whom you have “take your breath away moments”. Entering into marriage with the idea the whole thing is going to be one long moment is the stuff of fantasy. But being married with the idea that after a while there will be no more moments is, frankly, tragic. My wife and I have been married for over 40 years. I’d like to believe we haven’t emptied the tank of our moments together. Moments in marriage are about those times when a couple talks to one another in ways that they deeply connect heart to heart, its staring into each other’s eyes simply for the sake of staring into each other’s eyes. It’s sharing a laugh that you can’t share with anyone else, it’s the freedom to be exactly who you are without judgement. It’s a level of physical intimacy that is built on the foundation of those years you’ve shared together. What those moments look like as the years progress may evolve. But as sure as the sun comes up in the morning, the hope of marriage is that there will be those moments “until we are parted by death”. And the way those moments happen is when both of you are ready to be “in the moment”.
What keeps us from being in the moment as spouses? Lots of things I suppose. Schedules. Demands of home and work. I want to return to a phrase I talked about in the blog on making your partner look good. “Focus on your partner and not the chatter in your head.” I talked in that one about focusing on your partner. Now I want to talk about the chatter in your head.
I read a true story not too long ago (it was on the internet so I know its true but really I think this one is actually true true) about a B52 bomber that in 1961 while flying over the United States experienced catastrophic failure. The plane crashed with some of crew tragically losing their lives. What makes this crash so noteworthy is the nuclear bombs this plane was carrying. While the plane was going down the two nuclear bombs were ejected. Happily neither of them detonated. One of them was found and recovered. The other, however, hit the ground with such force that it went underground and to this day has never been found. They know it’s in a certain field in eastern North Carolina. They just don’t know where. They’ve just decided to leave it alone and not risk trying to dig it up. What I find fascinating about it is what it must be like to live in that area knowing what is somewhere beneath your feet and potentially what could happen.
That’s the chatter in our heads. We all have stuff going on with us under the surface. Family history that we are living with and at times still processing. Fears and insecurities that we are carrying with us from previous relationships. For that matter, we are carrying around hurts and whispers of painful chapters in our own marriage. All of that lies buried in each of us and it could be so explosive at the most unexpected of times. Sometimes even the worst of times. Back in the day those things were referred to as us playing old tapes of our parents or people from past relationships. I suppose now we’d call them downloads. Whatever you call them, those things from the past chatter in our heads and conspire to keep us from being able to be in the moment.
But here’s the tricky part. The farmers who work the land where the nuclear bomb is don’t plant or do anything in that area. In fact, the United States government has bought that field and nobody does anything on it. They leave it alone. When it comes to all that stuff we have buried within us, we pretend it’s not there at our peril. Pretending it’s not there is what continues to give it power over our lives. Quieting the chatter in our head doesn’t mean ignoring that stuff. Quieting the chatter in our heads requires great courage. It means acknowledging both its presence in our lives as well as the impact it is still having in our lives. Quieting the chatter allows us to take all that is buried within us and processing it in a way that helps us learn from those experiences and putting that noise where it belongs: in the past. Quieting the chatter requires a high level of self-awareness. Quieting the chatter is crucial for being in the moment with your spouse.
My prayer for every married couple is that no matter how long they are married they continue to have those moments that remind them why they got married in the first place. Those moments are fleeting and precious and fragile. Those moments are the gift of marriage. The way for those moments to happen is for both of you to do what it takes each day of your lives to be in the moment.
Next Principle: don’t block
Improvisational Conversation
- What are those things in your life that keep you from being in the moment with your spouse? What changes in your life can you make to be in the moment?
- Quieting the chatter in your head is a big topic! For some of us to address it, it may require counselling or becoming a part of some appropriate support group. What is the chatter in your head and what do you need to do to quiet it? In particular, what is the chatter in your head about your spouse that needs to be quieted?
- What are some of the best moments you think of you have shared with your spouse?