When it comes to blocking, the first thing I think of is a 300 pound offensive lineman standing between his quarterback and another 300 pound lineman that plays for the defense. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what don’t block means. Blocking is a theatrical term for where people stand or how they move in the scene. Not that either. Emotionally there’s blocking. That has to do with people not being able to cope with their feelings due to stress or trauma. Also not that.
The principle “Don’t block” has to do with following the lead of the other actor on the stage. Now if you’ve been reading all these blogs (and why wouldn’t you?), you might say that’s just like the very first one: “Yes and…”. Well, sharp eyed reader, you’d be sort of correct but not exactly. In improv when a scene is starting the other actor is guided by the “yes and…” principle. But, once the scene has started and is moving along then it becomes important for an actor not to abruptly shift its direction. If it’s a scene about people surfing, one of the actors can’t suddenly put them on a ship out in space. That’s not to say the scene can’t turn in unexpected, fun and surprising ways. That’s what’s cool about improv. But don’t block means you can’t just wreck what was happening. Similar concept but the context is different. Yes and… has to do with starting a scene. Don’t block has to do with continuing a scene. That’s the difference.
The fact that “yes and…” and “don’t block” are so similar almost caused me to drop this principle but as I got to reflecting on it, it occurred to me that the difference between the two in improv is important also in marriage. To express that though, I’m going to flip this principle from stating it in the negative to stating it in the positive. Instead of saying it as “don’t block”, I would say it as “be an encourager”. A big part of a spouse’s job is to be an encourager. I’m one of those people who became a fan of Everybody Loves Raymond after it went into syndication. In one of the episodes, Robert, Ray’s long suffering brother, makes a step to move forward in his life and he is relentlessly put down for it by Ray and his parents. In a scene that is as dramatic as it is funny. Robert responds by calling them dream killers. We should never be a dream killer to our spouse.
Our paramedic son is taking steps to become a physician. As everyone knows, becoming a doctor is a long hard road that includes challenges of all shapes and descriptions. My boy has a big dream. You know who his number one fan and supporter is? Even more than his mom and dad and sister? It’s his wife! She is doing everything she can to cheer him on and help make it possible for him to fulfill this big dream. I love that fact more than I know how to express. Its not just the Yes and… he got from her when he made the decision to try, it is everything she is doing to encourage and support him along the way. When he is successful, I pray he has the good sense to know he wouldn’t have gotten there without her. I went into the ministry in the mid 1980’s (man that was a long time ago!) fully expecting my career to simply be itinerating from one church to the next as we United Methodist pastors do. I was just happy at the thought of going from church to church trying to do the best ministry I knew how. Then along came an opportunity to be the founding pastor of a new church. That was a big deal to me! Honestly I never would have imagined my doing such a thing. The only way it happened was because of the Yes and… I got from two people: my dad and my wife. As it turns out, it went pretty well. I know enough to know it would not have worked out the way it did without all the encouragement and support I got from a lot of people but particularly my wife. And that has been true through all the years of my ministry. *(see below)
A spouse should never be a dream killer. That’s not to say that a spouse shouldn’t be a dream- have-you-thought-about-thiser. Or a dream-how-do-we-need-to-rethink-thiser. That’s exactly what a spouse should be doing. Let’s face it, when your partner is chasing some big dream, not only does it affect him or her but it also affects your life. It is normal and natural for you to want to talk through how it’s working out. But to do it well, a spouse must have the relational capital to have that conversation. Otherwise it could do a lot of damage. Earning the right to have that conversation and expect it to go well doesn’t come automatically with saying your I do’s (though in most marriage ceremonies in actual fact no one says I do). You earn that relational capital by the years of unconditional love, support, and encouragement you have been giving through the years.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before but the etymology of the word encourage is from a French word that literally means to make strong or to hearten. Chasing dreams, big and small, is by its nature hard and scary and at times overwhelming to any normal person. But chasing dreams is also what makes life rich and full. The privilege we have as married people is to stand beside our spouse and in all the ways we can show our unconditional love for them by “not blocking” them in that dream but instead to help them be strong in their pursuit of it.
* I am fully aware my two stories of giving encouragement both involved the really traditional scenario of good women giving encouragement to their men in the careers. Let me explain. I used the story about my son and his wife because I really love it. I used the one about me and my wife knowing I could have talked about me encouraging her in her amazing career but that violates my general rule of thumb of not making me the hero of the story. So, I just want to be clear that men can be encouragers to their spouses too. Also let’s be clear that encouragement doesn’t just need to be about careers. Its efforts at self-improvement, organizations your spouse is involved in, hobbies and so on. You know hobbies like wanting to ride your bike hundreds of miles across the country. Uh. Oh. To quote Britney Spears: Oops. I did it again. IYKYK
Next Principle: Commit fully