In writing about being specific in improv, one guy put it this way: “Don’t be a putz!
Yeah, you heard me! Don’t wimp out! If you’re asked a question, answer it! And, be specific. All that stuff about deciding who you are, where you are and what you’re wanting. Do it! Be specific.” Remember the very first principle we talked about at the beginning: Yes and…? Remember how I told you it was foundational to improv? Well, here it is again. Same writer: “Being specific in improv is as important as the agreement of Yes and… . Its the second part of the Yes and…” Then this writer said this: “Specifics are the fuel that keeps scenes going.” I think that is an important concept here: “Specifics are the fuel that keeps scenes going.”
In one of the episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray’s wife Debra, notices he never tells her he loves her. The issue isn’t she doesn’t think he loves her. She knows he does. It would just be meaningful to hear him say it occasionally. But because of his parents (naturally!) and the way he was brought up, expressing affection in public and saying I love you is embarrassing and awkward to him. He absolutely loves her. That’s not the problem. He just struggles to express it in a way that is meaningful to her. What’s great is that at the end of the episode, Ray and Debra share a tender moment in which he sincerely and beautifully says those words: I love you. She then bursts out laughing because it sounds so funny coming from him.
Let’s break it down: Ray and Debra have a marriage in which each loves the other. Both of them know they love each other. But Debra wants that love to be expressed in specific ways that are meaningful to her. Those specific expressions of love are, if you will, the fuel that keeps the marriage going. See the connection with this improv principle? Pretty good, huh?
I’m kind of a fan of the Five Love Languages. I think Gary Chapman, the guy that created them, was really onto something. The idea of the five love languages is that each of us have one or two love languages that are meaningful to us. Our love languages are the ways we most meaningfully experience being loved and most naturally express love to another person.
The five love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation: Expressing love through spoken words, praise, or appreciation.
- Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention and spending meaningful time together.
- Physical Touch: Using physical affection to show love, such as hugs, kisses, or holding hands.
- Acts of Service: Performing helpful tasks or actions to show love and support.
- Receiving or Giving Gifts: Giving or receiving thoughtful gifts as a symbol of love and affection.
You can read this list and most likely intuitively know what yours are. If you want to, there is an online quiz you can take. Here is the link: The [Official] Love Language® Quiz . Now, be warned, you can take the quiz for free and at the end of it they will give you part of the results right away. But if you want the full results then you must sign up and give them money. Like I said though, you can look at the list and if you know yourself at all, you will know what your one or two main love languages are. Matthew McConaughey in his book Poems and Prayers said the best thing that can happen to a couple is switching from a king size bed to a queen size. I am pretty sure I know what one of his love languages is.
Knowing what your love languages are is all well and good. Here is what is more important: knowing what your spouse’s love languages are. And if it happens that your love languages and your spouse’s love languages are the same, that is a beautiful thing. You are both naturally speaking the same language and you just get to revel in your shared love languages every day of your lives. But if you’re like the rest of us mere mortals, you aren’t so fortunate. When my wife and I got married, I didn’t know a thing about love languages. What I did know was that she was very good at giving gifts. She knew what I wanted before I knew what I wanted. On the other hand, I am a terrible gift giver. For years this poor woman lived in gift receiving purgatory from her husband. That’s not to say I didn’t give her gifts. It just wasn’t a priority for me, and I would inevitably not be very good at it. Looking back on it, I probably hit bottom the Christmas I didn’t get her present until after the Christmas eve service at my little church. Through the years, I think she would agree, I’ve gotten better at it. But it’s not my natural language. I had to learn it.
If your love languages are not the same as your spouse, it is crucial that you learn them. Until you do, when it comes to expressing love it’s like one of you is speaking French and the other is speaking German. Each of you may be doing it well in your own way but you aren’t connecting in that deep and meaningful way that drives the marriage. You love each other but you are frustrated and unfulfilled in your relationship. That’s why! What is so awesome is how learning to speak another language affects the other person. We are living in Hong Kong right now and I am very obviously not a local. I’ve learned a couple of little phrases in Mandarin and when I say them, particularly in front of children, their faces just light up and most of the time they start laughing. My pronunciation is so bad, but it is obvious they appreciate the effort.
That’s what you hope for when you make the effort to express love to your spouse in a language that doesn’t come naturally to you. Offering words of affirmation not just because you think your spouse is awesome but you know it means so much for them to hear it. Doing a chore that normally is what your spouse does, unrequested and unexpected, not just because you know it needs to be done but it will mean the world to them that you did it. Being physically affectionate not so much because you’re into it but because you know your spouse is. What you hope for is that your spouse won’t react like Debra laughing at Ray. Instead, it will be meaningful to them because love is being expressed in his or her language and they will recognize the effort and appreciate it. Those moments of specific expressions of love are, as we said at the beginning, the fuel that drives the marriage.
One final word: Like everything else, it is important both of you are learning to speak the other’s language. If only one of you is doing it, that’s great for the partner. He or she is feeling loved and fulfilled in the relationship. But the one that is trying, over time, begins to feel resentful and alienated. That sense of resentment becomes deepened by the disparity of the effort being made to speak each other’s language. It’s something both of you need to be working on.
Next Principle: Have Fun!