I read an ironically complicated article on the topic of keeping it simple in doing improv. I mean it was seriously, and way more than it needed to be, complicated. It talked about feeling and reacting, left brain/right brain. All kinds of stuff. Here’s what I think it boiled down to: in doing improv you have to be in touch with yourself and the dynamics of the scene to find something authentic to latch onto and then play off of that. You will resonate with it and, more importantly, the audience will resonate with it. Don’t focus on all the fluff and stuff in a scene. Find what is most basic and let that be the foundation of what you do. That was pretty much it.
As human beings we are complicated. We’ve all got stuff don’t we? We have issues from our past and quite likely our present as well. When we enter into a relationship, we and the other person each bring all our own complications. As a result, relationships get complicated. Now add in all the things we do in our day to day living whether it’s the kinds of things we have to do or the kinds of things we want to do and before we know it life is complicated. So of course, marriage is complicated! Marriage is taking all that makes us complicated becoming deeply intertwined with the life of another person who also happens to be complicated. The danger here is that in the complication, what can get lost is what makes it so simple.
For some reason I keep coming back in my mind to a movie I saw years ago and didn’t even particularly like. It was “Notting Hill” with Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. A very British romantic comedy that chronicles all the complications of what happens when a famous movie star (Roberts) falls in love with a rather shy owner of small bookstore (Grant). The movie is about what happens when big and famous comes crashing into quiet and anonymous. He is struggling to figure out how to deal with it all and it looks like it isn’t going to work out but, against all odds, it does! I did not see that coming (sarcasm font engaged). Remember that scene? The two of them standing in the bookstore and she says: “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.”. They had all these issues swirling about them but she brought it down to the authentic heart of it: I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her? That’s simple, isn’t it? That moment of simplicity didn’t mean that the complicating issues suddenly go away. What it did mean though was that by keeping things simple, staying in touch with the authentic heart of what was happening, those complicating issues lost some of their power.
What is the authentic heart of marriage? I think about all the post-game interviews I have seen with the players and coaches after they have won the big game. The interviewer will ask: what is it that makes this team so special? They almost always say the same thing first: we really love each other. That means there is great chemistry in the locker room. The players work together and care for each other. They play unselfishly and want success not just for themselves but for their teammates. So first its: we really love each other. Then the second thing they almost always say is: we just focus on the fundamentals. What those fundamentals are depends on the sport. Think of it. These teams achieve the highest levels of success by doing basic simple things like loving one another and then being really, really good at the things their coaches taught them as kids when they first started out. Now we all know their amazing success is more than that. But those things are the foundation on which their success is built.
Friends, that’s the authentic heart of marriage. With all that can be so complicated, in a strong marriage the couple never loses sight of a simple truth. They love each other. They know that’s true no matter what is going on. They know that’s true even if they’re frustrated and angry at each other. They never lose sight of the fact that they love one another. Or if in the moment they forget it, like I can’t even look at you right now sort of thing, that passes quickly and they come back to that simple affirmation: we love each other. And that is the touchstone for how they move ahead. That means neither one is just looking out for number one. They each care deeply about the other. For both, the main driver of every action they take or decision they make is the happiness and wellbeing of their spouse. That love is unconditional. It is always present no matter what is going on.
It begins with just the simple fact that they love one another. But the authentic heart is more than that. It’s also knowing what the fundamentals are and being good at them. What would you say are the fundamentals of marriage? Here’s my list: the presumption that we’re in it for life; the skills to communicate well with each other; mutual trust as well as mutual respect; emotional intimacy; and shared goals and values. I also would say as a follower of Jesus that grounding a marriage on a shared faith is a fundamental that makes a world of difference. That’s my list. What would be on your list?
Now those fundamentals take work. They take a lot of work. Just like those teams that win the big games must work on their fundamentals. But when you know what the fundamentals are and when you do the work to be good at them, then when the complicated stuff comes along, you have what it takes to navigate them well. It does seem kind of simple when you think of it that way, doesn’t it?
Improvisational Conversation
- How good a job do we do of grounding our interactions on the one simple truth: we love each other?
- What are our fundamentals? How good are we at them? What do we need to do to make them stronger?
Next Principle: Be Specific