Note: Even though this is the 7th Principle, I wrote it last. I kept putting it off. I think its because I found it uncomfortable to write. My request is when you read this one, be sure to read it to the end.
Improv comedy is, by its nature, risky. You’re getting up in front of a group of people with no script and no plan. Those people (and your improv colleagues for that matter) have the expectation you know what to do up there. You are expected to stay cool, calm, and collected no matter what happens while trying to be hilarious. You are a tight rope walker without a net. So, if doing improv is risky by its nature, why would one of the principles be to take risks? The reason is that if you are going to grow as an improv artist it demands you not allow yourself to get into a rut. You must be willing to explore the craft in new settings, working with new people, experiencing new situations. That’s why those who do improv are encouraged to take risks in an already risky business.
In China there is an ancient practice called Crying Marriage. It’s also called Crying Bride. In some areas it can be found even to this day. The concept of the Crying Marriage is that a month before the wedding the bride cries for an hour each day. Sometimes the bride is joined by others in the family and even the community. Ironically, the belief is the future marriage will be blessed by the crying. They cry not because of the upcoming marriage. The tears are for the parents that are in effect losing a daughter. The tears are for the life that is being left behind. Here is the truth behind this ancient and culturally bound tradition: getting married marks a significant change in the realities of our lives.
There is nothing like being married. Dating is not marriage. Having a significant other is not marriage. Being engaged is not marriage. Even though living with another person as if you are married looks like marriage, even with your future spouse, it is not marriage. No one knows what it’s like to be married until you get married. Being married is like nothing else. And it is, by its nature, risky.
Take all your money and put it on red in Las Vegas. Not as risky as marriage. Ever gone sky diving? I’ve done it. It’s awesome. There is that moment when you stand at the door of the airplane. You look down and your brain literally cannot compute how high up you are. You gonna step out or not? What I’m about to say is not logical but I’m going to stick with it. Getting married is riskier than sky diving. If sky diving doesn’t work out, there’s the terrifying trip to the ground and then the splat. When you say”yes and…” to a marriage and it goes bad, you have to live with the consequences of it for a long, long time. And those consequences have an impact on virtually every area of your life.
This is what makes marriage risky. When we decide to get married, we’re not marrying this person for who they are. We are marrying them for who we think they are. Part of the adventure of marriage is the journey of discovering who this person really is. Most of the time that’s what makes it fun! But what it can also mean is we discover elements of him or her that if we had known….no way would we have done this. That’s why it’s so important to work hard to get to know each other deeply and intimately before any aisle gets walked. Here’s something else that makes it risky. No one knows, even you, how you will live into the realities of being married. No one knows, even him or her, how your spouse will live into the realities of being married. That is particularly true for when it gets rough. In the traditional vows, the marital contract we sign on for, it acknowledges this is part of marriage: sickness as well as health, worse as well as better, poorer as well as richer. Its not just for the good times. Its also when it’s not so great. And in all of that, we promise to be what? Faithful. When it gets tough how will you live into that? When it gets tough how will your spouse live into it? No one knows until you are in it. That’s what makes marriage risky.
I’ve told countless struggling couples through the years the one question you must not let take root in your mind is: “Why can’t he be different?” “Why can’t she be different?” It may be better if they were different. But your spouse can only change if it is their desire to change. If our spouse wants to change, we encourage and support them. We do what we can to help. But changing our spouse is not our job. We don’t try to manipulate them into it. We don’t make ultimatums designed to force it. We don’t withhold affection until it happens. Instead, the mantra of every person who is in a struggling marriage is: “The person I have married is the person I have married.” We love them absolutely and unconditionally. We may not like every aspect of who they are. We are free to share our thoughts and feelings about how they conduct themselves. But we accept them for who they are. I don’t think praying your spouse will change is appropriate. I do think married people ought to be praying to become stronger as a couple. And we absolutely should be praying about our own attitudes and feelings toward our spouse. But praying to God that our spouse could change is basically saying to God: “Why can’t my spouse be different?”.
If marriage, like going into improv is such a risk, then what does it mean to take on those risks in marriage which will help us grow. Here’s the kind of risks I think of. The risk of being vulnerable even when it’s safer to be closed off. The risk of trusting when there is plenty of reason you shouldn’t. The risk of being forgiving so you can let go of the past and move into the future. The risk of staying in a marriage that isn’t good enough to be great but also not bad enough to be terrible. You can be vulnerable, forgiving, and faithful and get totally burned for it. That’s what makes it a risk. You could do all those things and the marriage never gets better or even tragically end. Or there’s a chance, just a chance, it could become wonderful. As the two of you grew and matured through the years, you didn’t become the couple you dreamed of when you got married. You became a couple better than you knew enough to imagine. That’s the risk/reward of living into the realities of marriage. For my wife and I, I know in our 42 years of marriage there have been times I’ve thought it would be easier to just walk away. I’m certain that’s been true for my wife. But we never did. And I feel safe in saying through it all we both have grown as individuals and as a couple. We are both so glad we have continued to risk.
Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m a “marriage as a life long proposition” kind of guy. That’s the ideal for which all of us should strive. I’ve said that marriage was a gift to us from God. I think that’s what God had in mind for it. But I’ve sat with people and agreed with them that it’s time. When the violation of the marriage covenant is so egregious that forgiveness and reconciliation are out of reach, its time. When it’s a situation of continuing abuse such that the home is an unsafe place to be, it’s time. Once I was doing pre-marital counseling with a couple whose relationship was so unhealthy I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I told them they simply should not get married. My quote was: “Not only should you not get married, you shouldn’t even be living in the same state.” They, in fact, did not get married. I ran into the bride some months later. She actually thanked me for what I did. (Phew!) When the relationship is so toxic that the pattern will simply never be broken, its time. When a marriage is struggling, ending it is not the first, second, third, or even the fourth option. Divorce is always the last, least bad option. If that option is part of your life, be assured, I love you. God loves you. And there is plenty of grace to carry you through all that you have and will experience.
When I was a kid I was a huge fan of the original Star Trek. Through the years I’ve watched each episode so many times I pretty much know them all by heart. In one episode Captain Kirk and his officers are discussing whether to allow aliens to inhabit their bodies (don’t ask). They, of course, focus on how risky it would be. Kirk was in favor of doing it and he makes this speech about why they should do it. In that speech, with a level of pomposity only William Shatner could deliver, he talks about their mission on the Starship Enterprise. He says: “Risk! Risk is our business…that’s why we’re aboard her!” That line has stayed with me through the years of most of my life. It is actually safer and easier to never get married. Those who choose to never marry are certainly able to live a joyful and fulfilling life. Those who do marry are doing so at great risk. Risk is the business of marriage! We take a risk when we say “yes and….” to life with this other person. And the risk continues through the years. Yep, it’s risky. But when its right, it’s worth it, friends. It is so worth it.
Next Principle: Keep It Simple