Actor number one pantomimes surfing and in his best Keanu Reeves voice says: “Whoa dude! These waves are awesome!”. Actor number two pantomimes stirring something in a bowl and says: “Honey! Your pancakes are almost ready!”. That would be an example of not following the principle “Yes and….”. “Yes and” is what happens when one actor starts the scene down a path and all the other actors in effect say: “Okay. This is our direction. Now let’s see where we go with it.”. Are the other actors surfing with the first guy or are they in a boat? Maybe they are on the shore watching and they go with that. That will be for them to decide but they respect what actor one has done enough to say “yes and…” then add new information that takes the story wherever it will go.
In a “yes and…” marriage, couples treat one another with respect. When one has an idea, they affirm one another enough to say: let’s walk down this path together and see where it leads. “Yes and…” does not always mean that whatever one partner wants to do, whatever idea gets floated no matter how crazy, the other is required to say yes. Yes and… is about how couples have the conversation. As I’m writing this, the US government is shut down. Not getting into the politics of it, the government is shut down because our two parties don’t respect one another, don’t trust one another, have conflicting goals, and consequently won’t even try to talk together to figure things out.
I would suggest there are many marriages that get themselves to the same place for the same reasons. They shut down due to lack of respect. Lack of trust. Lack of mutual goals. They may stay married and live in the same house. They may even be somewhat functional as a couple. But they have missed out on the joy that can be found when they remain deeply invested in the happiness of this person with whom they have made a lifelong commitment. They are either living two separate lives or they are constantly fighting for power, fighting about who’s in charge. Who’s going to win.
“Yes and” isn’t about power. Or maybe more to the point it’s about shared power. Actor one puts the others out on the ocean surfing. The other actors react to that. Now actor one must react to that! See what’s happening? The only way it works is for them to share power so they can create something that can only come into existence by working together. That’s what happens in a “yes and” marriage.
And it’s got to be both. When neither is “yes and…” the marriage is shut down. But what happens when one spouse is “yes and…” and the other is “No” or “Yes but…” (which is really a no in disguise)? One spouse is happy and fulfilled as they live the life they want. But the other? They become resentful and bitter. They feel disrespected and diminished as a person. They become dispirited and broken as they have become convinced they aren’t worthy of living a joy filled life. Or they don’t give up on their own life. In order to live that life, they come to see their spouse not as a partner in creating that life. The spouse becomes an obstacle to be overcome. Or someone that has to be worked around or manipulated in order to achieve their life goals. This clearly is not the description of a healthy marriage. This clearly is not the beautiful partnership that marriage is meant to be.
I have a pastor friend who taught me that in his church, when a member came to him with an idea, he taught his staff and leaders to have the posture of finding ways to say yes instead of reasons to say no. It didn’t mean they always said yes. Not every idea is a workable one. Sometimes the yes didn’t look quite the same as what was originally proposed. But it was a culture of “yes and”. It made his church a more positive, fun place that was always doing great ministry. Because they had the attitude of let’s find a way to say “yes and”.
For reasons that seem pretty self-evident the principle of “yes and” in improv is foundational. Without it, it becomes impossible for a scene to be created. Every one of these ten principles is important, but it seems obvious this one is foundational in marriage as well. Pick any topic you like. Where are we going to eat dinner? Where will we live? How many children will we have? What will our sex life be like? The absence or presence of “Yes and…” dramatically impacts how those conversations will go. Just as in improv without “yes and…” you can’t have a scene, it could be argued that without “yes and…”, you can’t have a marriage. As we make our way through these principles, you will see “yes and” popping up” again and again. Its that important.
Those actors on a stage use “yes and” to help them build a little scene. A scene that may last no more than a couple of minutes, offered for the entertainment of a roomful of people. In marriage we are building a life. And this principle can guide a couple to be unselfish enough to work together to create a life that is full of the love and joy they imagined when they first stood before God and all their family and friends and said “yes and” to one another.
Improvising Conversation
- What is your understanding of what yes and… means in a marriage context?
- What, if anything, makes it difficult for you to say: yes and… to your spouse?
- What kind of difference would it make in your marriage if you became intentional about practicing the yes and… principle ?
- What specific steps are you willing to take to have more of a yes and… marriage?
- What does your spouse hear from you in your life together: Yes and…, No, or Yes but…?
Next Principle: Make Your Partner Look Good